Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 28

Chapter 28Joshuas ministry was third historic period of discussion, virtu perpetu solelyyy(prenominal)ytimes collar times a day, and although in that location were both(prenominal) eminent and low points, I could n perpetu eachy remember the sermons word for word, further heres the subject matter of almost every sermon I ever heard Joshua leaping.You should be nice to people, even creeps.And if youa) cerebrated that Joshua was the Son of God (and)b) he had go into to h experienced open you from sin (and)c) ack immediatelyledged the Holy Spirit within you (became as a circumstantial child, he would word)(and)d) didnt blaspheme the Holy Ghost ( suppose c), hence you woulde) lie in foreverf) nearplace niceg) probably heaven.However, if youh) sinned (and/or)i) were a hypocrite (and/or)j) cherished things over people (and)k) didnt do a, b, c, and d, wherefore you werel) fuckedWhich is the message that Joshuas father had pr virtuoso(a)(a) him so objet darty years ago , and which beted, at the time, succinct to the point of rudeness, muchover made more sense after you listened to a few cardinal sermons.Thats what he taught, thats what we learned, thats what we passed on to the people in the t take ins of Galilee. Not everybody was proper at it, however, and some(a) seemed to miss the point al to shake upher. One day Joshua, Maggie, and I re dark from preaching in slewa to find baronetholomew sitting by the synagogue at Capernaum, preaching the Gospel to a semicircle of dogs that sat around him. The dogs seemed spellbound, scarcely then, Bart was wearing a flank steak as a hat, so Im non sure it was his go byleing skills that held their attention.Joshua snatched the steak off of Bartholomews head and tossed it into the bridle-path, where a dozen dogs on the spur of the moment found their opinion. Bart, Bart, Bart, Josh express as he shook the loose man by the shoulders, dont soften whats holy to dogs. Dont cast your pearls sooner swine. Youre expend the interchange.I dont hand any pearls. I am slave to no possessions.Its a metaphor, Bart, Joshua express, deadpan. It mean(a)s dont confound the Word to those who arnt ready to receive it.You mean like when you drowned the swine in Decapolis? They werent ready for it?Joshua looked at me for help. I shrugged.Maggie said, Thats exactly right, Bart. You got it.Oh, why didnt you say so? Bart said. alright blackguards, were off to preach the Word in Magdala. He climbed to his feet and led his pack of disciples toward the lake.Joshua looked at Maggie. Thats non what I meant at all.Yes it is, she said, then she took off to find Johanna and Susanna, devil women who had joined us and were learning to preach the gospel.Thats not what I meant, Joshua said to me.Have you ever won an argument with her?He shook his head. and then say amen and lets go see what Peters wife has cooked up.The disciples were gathitherd around push throughside of Peters house, sitting on the purge fine-tunes we had arranged in a circle around a discharge pit. They were all looking down and seemed to be caught in some threatening suppliant. Even Matthew was there, when he should commence been at his job collecting assesses in Magdala.Whats wrong? asked Joshua.John the Baptist is dead, said Philip.What? Joshua sat down on the log next to Peter and leaned against him.We on the dot now saw Bartholomew, I said. He didnt say anything astir(predicate) it.We just found unwrap, said Andrew. Matthew just brought the newborns from Tiberius.It was the depression time since hed joined us that Id seen Matthew without the light of enthusiasm in his scarcelytock. He might deal aged ten years in the conclusion few hours. Herod had him beheaded, he said.I musical theme Herod was timid of John, I said. It was rumored that Herod had unbroken John alive because he actually imagined him to be the Messiah and was afraid of the wrath of God should the holy man per ish.It was at the request of his stepdaughter, said Matthew. John was killed at the behest of a teenage slut.Well, jeez, if he wasnt dead already, the irony would hold in killed him, I said.Joshua st ard into the dirt before him, thinking or praying, I couldnt tell. ultimately he said, Johns followers pull up s constructs be like babes in the wilderness.Thirsty? guessed Nathaniel.Hungry? guessed Peter.Horny? guessed doubting doubting doubting doubting Thomas.No, you dumbfucks, lost. Theyll be lost I said. Jeez.Joshua stood. Philip, Thaddeus, go to Judea, tell Johns followers that they are welcome here. Tell them that Johns work is not lost. Bring them here. but master, Judas said, John has ks of followers. If they come here, how leave we head for the hills them?Hes new, I explained.The next day was the Sabbath, and in the morning as we all headed to the synagogue, an old man in fine clothes ran out of the bushes and threw himself at Joshuas feet. Oh, Rabbi, he wailed, I am the mayor of Magdala. My youngest daughter has died. great deal say that you john heal the sick and trick up the dead, go past you help me?Joshua looked around. A half-dozen topical anesthetic anesthetic Pharisees watched us from different points around the village. Joshua turned to Peter. Take the Word to the synagogue today. I am divergence to help this man.Thank you, Rabbi, the copious man gushed. He hurried off and waved for us to follow.Where are you taking us? I asked.Only as far as Magdala, he said.To Joshua I said, Thats farther than a Sabbaths journey allows.I spang, Joshua said.As we passed through all of the small villages along the coast on the way to Magdala, people came out of their houses and followed us for as long as they dared on a Sabbath, but I could also see the elders, the Pharisees, watching as we went.The mayors house was bountiful for Magdala, and his daughter had her own sleeping room. He led Joshua into the bedchamber where the mis ignition lay. Ple ase save her, Rabbi.Joshua bent down and examined the girl. Go out of here, he said to the old man. Out of the house. When the mayor was gone Joshua looked at me. Shes not dead.What?This girl is sleeping. Maybe theyve given her some strong wine, or some sleeping powder, but she is not dead.So this is a trap?I didnt see this one coming either, Joshua said. They expect me to claim that I raised(a) her from the dead, healed her, when shes exactly sleeping. Blasphemy and healing on the Sabbath.Let me raise her from the dead, then. I mean, I raise do this one if shes only sleeping.Theyll turn on me for whatever you do as well. You may be their tar stick to too. The local Pharisees didnt devise this themselves.Jakan?Josh nodded. Go get the old man, and gather as many witnesses as you can, Pharisees as well. Make a ruckus.When I had virtually fifty people gathered in and around the house, Joshua announced, This girl isnt dead, shes sleeping, you unwise old man. Joshua shook the girl and she sat up rubbing her eyes. slide by watch on your strong wine, old man. Rejoice that you own not lost your daughter, but grieve that you have broken the Sabbath for your ignorance.Then Joshua stormed out and I followed him. When we were a ways down the street he said, Do you think they bought it?Nope, I said.Me either, Joshua said.In the morning a Roman spend came to Peters house with messages. I was still sleeping when I heard the shouting. I can only speak to Joshua of Nazareth, psyche said in Latin.Youll speak to me or youll never speak again, I heard soul else say. (Obviously someone who had no desire to live a long life.) I was up and running in an instant, my tunic waving unbelted croup me. I rounded the corner at Peters house to see Judas facing down a legionnaire. The pass had partially drawn his short sword.Judas I pareed. stern down.I put myself between them. I knew I could disarm the soldier easily, but not the legion that would follow him if I did. Who en gineers you, soldier?I have a message from Gaius Justus Gallicus, commander of the Sixth Legion, for Joshua bar Joseph of Nazareth. He glared at Judas over my shoulder. alone there is nothing in my orders to cargo area back me from killing this dog era delivering it.I turned to face Judas, whose face was on fire with anger. I knew he carried a dagger in his sash, although I hadnt told Joshua closely it. Justus is a friend, Judas.No Roman is the friend of a Jew, said Judas, making no effort whatever to whisper.And at that point, realizing that Joshua hadnt reached our new Zealot recruit with the message of forgiveness for all men, and that he was liberation to get himself killed, I quickly reached up under Judas tunic, clamped onto his scrotum, squeezed once, rapidly and passing hard, and after he blasted a mouthful of slobber on my chest, his eyes bikeed in his head and he slumped to his knees, unconscious. I caught him and lower him to the ground so he didnt hit his head. Then I turned to the Roman.Fainting spells, I said. Lets go find Joshua.Justus had send us three messages from capital of Israel Jakan had indeed divorced Maggie the Pharisees full council had met and they were plotting to kill Joshua and Herod Antipas had heard of Joshuas miracles and was afraid that he might be the reincarnation of John the Baptist. Justus only personal eyeshade was one word Careful.Joshua, you direct to hide, said Maggie. Leave Herods territory until things get even down. Go to Decapolis, preach to the gentiles. Herod Philip has no love for his brother, his soldiers wont bother you. Maggie had become a fiercely dedicated preacher herself. It was as if she had channeled her personal passion for Joshua into a passion for the Word.Not yet, said Joshua. Not until Philip and Thaddeus return with Johns followers. I will not leave them lost. I need a sermon, one that can serve as if it was my last, one that will sustain the lost spot Im gone. Once I deliver it to Ga lilee, Ill go to Philips territory.I looked at Maggie and she nodded, as if to say, Do what you have to, but protect him.Lets write it then, I said. manage any great speech, the disquisition on the Mount sounds as if it just happened spontaneously, but actually Joshua and I worked on it for over a hebdomad Joshua dictating and me taking notes on parchment. (I had invented a way of sandwiching a thin physical composition of charcoal between two pieces of olive wood so that I could write without carrying a quill and inkwell.) We worked in front of Peters house, out in the boat, even on the mountainside where he would deliver the sermon. Joshua necessitateed to founder a long section of the sermon to adultery, largely, I realize now, motivated by my relationship with Maggie. Even though Maggie had resolved to stay continent and preach the Word, I think Joshua precious to drive the point home.Joshua said, coiffe in If a man even looks at a womanhood with lust in his heart, he ha s committed adultery.Really, you want to go with that? And this If a divorced woman remarries she commits adultery?Yeah.Seems a little harsh. A little Pharisee-ish.I had some people in mind. What do you have?Verily I say unto you I know you like to say verily when youre talking round adultery anyway, Verily I say unto you, that should a man put oil upon a womans naked body, and come upon her go upon all fours and bark like a dog, while knowing her, if you know what I mean, then he has committed adultery, and surely if a woman do the equivalent thing right back, well she has jumped on the adultery donkey walker herownself. And if a woman should pretend to be a mighty queen, and a man a lowly slave boy, and if she should call him humiliating label and make him lick upon her body, then surely they have sinned like ample dogs and woe unto the man if he pretends to be a powerful queen, and Thats enough, hit. however you want to be particular, dont you. You dont want people t o walk around wondering, Hey, is this adultery, or what? Maybe you should roll over.Im not sure that being that specific is a good idea.Okay, how bout this Should a man or a woman have any goings-on with their mutual naughty bits, then it is more than likely they are committing adultery, or at least they should consider it.Well, maybe more specific than that. induce on, Josh, this isnt an easy one like Thou shalt not kill. Basically, there you got a corpse, you got a sin, right?Yes, adultery can be sticky.Well, yesLook, a seagullBiff, I appreciate that you feel obliged to be an advocator for your favorite sins, but thats not what I need here. What I need is help typography this sermon. How we doing on the Beatitudes?Pardon me?The blesseds.Weve got pleased are those who smart and thirst after righteousness blessed are the poor in spirit, the pure in heart, the whiners, the meek, the Wait, what are we giving the meek?Lets see, uh, here Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall s ay, attaboy.A little weak.Yeah.Lets let the meek inherit the earth.Cant you give the earth to the whiners?Well then, cut the whiners and give the earth to the meek.Okay. Earth to the meek. here(predicate) we go. Blessed are the peacemakers, the mourners, and thats it.How many is that?Seven.Not enough. We need one more. How about the dumbfucks?No, Josh, not the dumbfucks. Youve done enough for the dumbfucks. Nathaniel, Thomas Blessed are the dumbfucks for they, uh I dont know they shall never be dis found.No, Im drawing the line at dumbfucks. Come on, Josh, why cant we have any powerful guys on our team? why do we have to have the meek, and the poor, the oppressed, and the pissed on? Why cant we, for once, have blessed are the big powerful rich guys with swords?Because they dont need us.Okay, but no Blessed are the dumbfucks.Who then?Sluts?No.How about the wankers? I can think of five or six disciples that would be rightfully blessed.No wankers. Ive got it Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake.Okay, better. What are you going to give them?A fruit basket.You cant give the meek the whole earth and these guys a fruit basket.Give them the dry land of heaven.The poor in spirit got that.Everybody gets some.Okay then, share the Kingdom of Heaven. I wrote it down.We could give the fruit basket to the dumbfucks.NO DUMBFUCKSSorry, I just feel for them.You feel for everyone, Josh. Its your job.Oh yeah. I forgot.We finished writing the sermon only a few hours before Philip and Thaddeus returned from Judea leading three thousand of Johns followers. Joshua had them gather on a hillside above Capernaum, then sent the disciples into the crowd to find the sick and bring them to him. He performed miracles of healing all morning, then coming into the afternoon he gathered us together at the bounce below the mountain.Peter said, Theres at least some other thousand people from Galilee on the hill, Joshua, and they are hungry.How much food do we have? J oshua asked.Judas came forward with a basket. Five loaves and two fish.That will do, but youll need more baskets. And about a degree centigrade volunteers to help break the food. Nathaniel, you, Bartholomew, and Thomas go into the crowd and find me fifty to a hundred people who have their own baskets. Bring them here. By the time you get back well have the food for them.Judas threw down his basket. We have five loaves, how do you think Joshua held up his hand for shut up and the Zealot clammed up. Judas, today youve seen the mettlesome walk, the blind see, and the indifferent(p) hear.Not to mention the blind hear and the deaf see, I added.Joshua scowled at me. It will take little more to endure a few of the faithful.There are but five loaves shouted Judas.Judas, once there was a rich man, who built great barns and granaries so he could save all of the fruits of his wealth long into his old age. and on the very day his barns were finished, the Lord said, Hey, we need you up h ere. And the rich man did say, Oh shit, Im dead. So what good did his stuff do him?Huh?Dont worry about what youre going to eat.Nathaniel, Bart, and Thomas started off to their assigned duty, but Maggie grabbed Nathaniel and held him fast. No, she said. No one does anything until you promise us that youll go into hiding after this sermon.Joshua smiled. How can I hide, Maggie? Who will spread the Word? Who will heal the sick?We will, Maggie continued. right off promise. Go into the land of the gentiles, out of Herods reach, just until things calm down. Promise or we dont move. Peter and Andrew stepped up behind Maggie to show their support. John and James were nodding as she spoke.So be it, said Joshua. moreover now we have hungry people to feed.And we fed them. The loaves and the fish were multiplied, jars were brought in from the surrounding villages and alter with water, which was carried to the mountainside, and all the while the local Pharisees watched and growled and spied, but they hadnt missed the healings, and they didnt miss the Sermon on the Mount, and word of it went back to Jerusalem with their poison reports.Afterward, at the spring by the shore, I gathered up the last of the pieces of scrape to take home with us. Joshua came down the shore with a basket over his head, then pulled it off when he got to me.When we said we treasured you to hide we meant something a little less obvious, Joshua. Great sermon, by the way.Joshua started helping me gather up the bread that was strewn around on the ground. I wanted to talk to you and I couldnt get away from the crowd without hiding under the basket. Im having a little perturb preaching humility.Youre so good at that one. People line up to hear the humility sermon.How can I preach that the humble will be exalted and the exalted will be humbled at the same time Im being exalted by four thousand people?Bodhisattva, Josh. Remember what Gaspar taught you about being a bodhisattva. You dont have to be hu mble, because you are denying your own ascension by bringing the good word of honor to other people. Youre out of the humility flow, so to speak.Oh yeah. He smiled.But now that you mention it, I said, it does seem a little hypocritical.Im not grand of that.Then youre okay.That evening, when we had all gathered again in Capernaum, Joshua called us to the fire ring in front of Peters house and we watched the last gold of the cheerfulness reflecting on the lake as Joshua led us in a prayer of thanks.Then he made the call Okay, who wants to be an apostle?I do, I do, said Nathaniel. Whats an apostle?Thats a guy who makes drugs, I said.Me, me, said Nathaniel. I want to make drugs.Ill try that, said John.Thats an apothecary, said Matthew. An apothecary mixes powders and makes drugs. Apostle means to send off.Is this kid a whiz, or what, I said, pointing a thumb at Matthew.Thats right, said Joshua, messengers. Youll be sent off to spread the message that the realm has come.Isnt that wha t were doing now? asked Peter.No, now youre disciples, but I want to appoint apostles who will take the Word into the land. There will be twelve, for the twelve tribes of Israel. Ill give you power to heal, and power over devils. Youll be like me, only in a different outfit. Youll take nothing with you except your clothes. Youll live only off the charity of those you preach to. Youll be on your own, like sheep among wolves. People will persecute you and spit on you, and maybe beat you, and if that happens, well, it happens. succuss off the dust and move on. Now, whos with me?And there was a roaring silence among the disciples.How about you, Maggie?Im not much of a traveler, Josh. Makes me nauseous. Disciples fine with me.How bout you, Biff?Im good. Thanks.Joshua stood up and just counted them off. Nathaniel, Peter, Andrew, Philip, James, John, Thaddeus, Judas, Matthew, Thomas, Bartholomew, and Simon. Youre the apostles. Now get out there and apostilize.And they all looked at each o ther.Spread the good tidings, the son of man is here The kingdom is coming. Go Go GoThey got up and sort of milled around.Can we take our wives? asked James.Yes.Or one of the women disciples? asked Matthew.Yes.Can Thomas two go too?Yes, Thomas Two can go.Their questions answered, they milled around some more.Biff, Joshua said. Will you assign territories for everybody and send them out?Okey-dokey, I said. Who wants Samaria? No one? Good. Peter, its yours. Give em hell. Caesarea? Come on, you weenies, step upThus were the twelve appointed to their sacred mission.The next morning seventy of the people who wed recruited to help feed the multitude came to Joshua when they heard about the appointing of the apostles.Why only twelve? one man asked.You all want to cast off what you own, leave your families, and attempt persecution and death to spread the good news? Joshua asked.Yes, they all shouted.Joshua looked at me as if he himself couldnt believe it.It was a really good sermon, I sa id.So be it, said Joshua. Biff, you and Matthew assign territories. Send no one to his hometown. That doesnt seem to work very well.And so the twelve and the seventy were sent out, and Joshua, Maggie, and I went into Decapolis, which was the territory of Herods brother, Philip, and camped and fished and basically hid out. Joshua preached a little, but only to small groups, and although he did heal the sick, he asked them not to tell anyone about the miracles.After three months hiding in Philips territory, word came by boat from across the lake that someone had intervened on Joshuas behalf with the Pharisees and that the death warrant, which had never really been formal, had been lifted. We went home to Capernaum and waited for the apostles to return. Their enthusiasm had waned some after months in the field.It sucks.People are mean.Lepers are creepy.Matthew came out of Judea with more news of Joshuas mysterious benefactor from Jerusalem. His name is Joseph of Arimathea, said Matthew . Hes a crocked merchant, and he owns ships and vineyards and olive presses. He seems to have the ear of the Pharisees, but he is not one of them. His wealth has given him some influence with the Romans as well. They are considering making him a citizen, I hear.What makes him want to help us? I asked.I talked to him for a long time about the kingdom, and about the Holy Ghost and the rest of Joshuas message. He believes. Matthew smiled broadly, obviously proud of his powerful convert. He wants you to come to his house for dinner, Joshua. In Jerusalem.Are you sure its steady-going for Joshua there? asked Maggie.Joseph has sent this letter guaranteeing Joshuas safety along with all who play along him to Jerusalem. Matthew held out the letter.Maggie took the scroll and unrolled it. My name is on this too. And Biffs.Joseph knew you would be coming, and I told him that Biff sticks to Joshua like a leech.Excuse me?I mean, that you accompany the master wheresoever he travels, Matthew add ed quickly.But why me? Maggie asked.Your brother Simon who is called Lazarus, he is very sick. Dying. Hes asked for you. Joseph wanted you to know that you would have safe passage.Josh grabbed his satchel and started walking that moment. Lets go, he said. Peter, you are in charge until I return. Biff, Maggie, we need to make Tiberius before dark. Im going to see if I can borrow some camels there. Matthew, you come too, you know this Joseph. And Thomas, you come along, I want to talk to you.So off we went, into what I was sure were the jaws of a trap.Along the way Joshua called Thomas to walk beside him. Maggie and I walked behind them only a few paces, so we could hear their conversation. Thomas kept stopping to make sure that Thomas Two could keep up with them.They all think Im mad, Thomas said. They laugh at me behind my back. Thomas Two has told me.Thomas, you know I can lay my workforce upon you and you will be cured. Thomas Two will no monthlong speak to you. The others wont laugh at you.Thomas walked along for a while without saying anything, but when he looked back at Joshua I could see tears streaking his cheeks. If Thomas Two goes away, then Ill be alone.You wont be alone. Youll have me.Not for long. You dont have long with us.How do you know that?Thomas Two told me.We wont tell the others quite yet, all right, Thomas?Not if you dont want me to. But you wont cure me, will you? You wont make Thomas Two go away?No, Joshua said. We may both need an extra friend soon. He patted Thomas on the shoulder, then turned to walk on ahead to look out up with Matthew.Well, dont step on him Thomas shouted.Sorry, said Joshua.I looked at Maggie. Did you hear that?She nodded. You cant let it happen, Biff. He doesnt seem to care about his own life, but I do, and you do, and if you let harm come to him Ill never forgive you.But Maggie, everyone is supposed to be forgiven.Not you. Not if something happens to Josh.So be it. So, hey, once Joshua heals your brother, you w ant to go do something, get some pomegranate juice, or a falafel, or get married or something?She halt in her tracks, so I stopped too. Are you ever paying attention to anything that goes on around you?Im sorry, I was overcome by faith there for a moment. What did you say?When we got to Bethany, Martha was hold for us in the street in front of Simons house. She went right to Joshua and he held out his blazonry to conjoin her, but when she got to him she pushed him away. My brother is dead, she said. Where were you?I came as soon as I heard.Maggie went to Martha and held her as they both cried. The rest of us stood around feeling awkward. The two old blind guys, Crustus and Abel, whom Joshua had once healed, came over from across the street.Dead, dead and conceal four days, said Crustus. He turned a sort of chromatic at the end.Emerald, it was emerald, not chartreuse, said Abel.My friend Simon truly sleeps, then, Joshua said.Thomas came up and put his hand on Joshuas shoulder. No, master, hes dead. Thomas Two thinks it may have been a hairball. Simon was a leopard, you know?I couldnt stand it. He was a LEPER, you idiot Not a leopard.Well, he IS dead shouted Thomas back. Not sleeping.Joshua was being figurative, he knows hes dead.Do you guys think you could be just a little more insensitive? said Matthew, pointing to the weeping sisters.Look, tax collector, when I want your two shekels Ill ask Where is he? Joshua asked, his vox booming over the sobs and protests.Martha pushed out of her sisters embrace and looked at Joshua. He bought a tomb in Kidron, said Martha.Take me there, I need to brace my friend.Dead, said Thomas. Dead, dead, dead.There was a sparkle of hope amid the tears in Marthas eyes. Wake him?Dead as a doornail. Dead as Moses. Mmmph Matthew clamped his hand over Thomass mouth, which saved me having to render the twin unconscious with a brick.You believe that Simon will rise from the dead, dont you? asked Joshua.In the end, when the kingdo m comes, and everyone is raised, yes, I believe.Do you believe I am who I say I am?Of course.Then show me where my friend lies sleeping.Martha moved like a sleepwalker, her exhaustion and rue driven back just enough for her to lead us up the road to the Mount of Olives and down into the Kidron Valley. Maggie had been deeply shaken by the news of her brothers death as well, so Thomas and Matthew helped her along while I walked with Joshua.Four days dead, Josh. Four days. Divine Spark or not, the human body is empty.Simon will walk again if he is but bone, said Joshua.Okey-dokey. But this has never been one of your better miracles.When we got to the tomb there was a tall, thin, disconsolate man sitting outside eating a fig. He was well-shaven and his gray hair was cut short like a Romans. If he hadnt worn the two-striped tunic of a Jew I would have thought him a Roman citizen.I thought you would come here, he said. He knelt before Joshua. Rabbi, Im Joseph of Arimathea. I sent word through your disciple Matthew that I wanted to meet with you. How may I serve?Stand up, Joseph. Help roll away this stone.As with many of the larger tombs carved into the side of the mountain, there was a large flat stone covering the doorway. Joshua put his arms around Maggie and Martha while the rest of us wrestled with the stone. As soon as the seal was broken I was hit with a stench that gagged me and Thomas actually lost his supper in the dirt.He stinks, said Matthew.I thought he would smell more like a cat, said Thomas.Dont make me come over there, Thomas, I said.We pushed the stone as far as it would go, then we ran away gasping for fresh air.Joshua held his arms out as if waiting to embrace his friend. Come out, Simon Lazarus, come out into the light. Nothing but stench came out of the tomb.Come forth, Simon. Come out of that tomb, Joshua commanded.And absolutely nothing happened.Joseph of Arimathea shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. I wanted to talk to you about the dinner at my house before you got there, Joshua.Joshua held up his hand for silence.Simon, dammit, come out of there.And ever so weakly, there came a voice from inside the tomb. No.What do you mean, no? You have risen from the dead, now come forth. Show these unbelievers that you have risen.I believe, I said.Convinced me, said Matthew.A no is as good as a personal appearance, as far as Im concerned, said Joseph of Arimathea.Im not sure any of us who had smelled the stench of rotting variant really wanted to see the source. Even Maggie and Martha seemed a little ambiguous about their brothers coming out.Simon, get your leprous ass out here, Joshua commanded.But ImIm all icky.Weve all seen icky before, said Joshua. Now come out into the light.My skin is all green, like an unripe olive.Olive green stated Crustus, who had followed us into Kidron. I told you it wasnt chartreuse.What the hell does he know? Hes dead, said Abel.Finally Joshua lowered his arms and stormed into the tomb. I cant believe that you bring a guy back from the dead and he doesnt even have the courtesy to come out WHOA HOLY MOLY Joshua came backing out of the tomb, stiff-legged. Very calmly and quietly, he said, We need clean clothes, and some water to wash with, and bandages, lots of bandages. I can heal him, but we have to sort of get all of his parts stuck back together first.Hold on, Simon, Joshua shouted to the tomb, were getting some supplies, then Ill come in and heal your affliction.What affliction? asked Simon.